It’s been a while…
Hey! It’s been a while…
Now that’s line I’ve used more times than I care to count! In the past, those words used to stir up an unhealthy dose of guilt and embarrassment within myself. Typing those words would remind me of my inconsistent nature; not only through my writings, but my availability in general. These days, I have mostly come to accept my ‘consistently inconsistent’ way of being. This leads me to explain, albeit briefly, what happened and why I’ve been gone for over a year without a word.
Firstly, I need to say this. I apologise for not writing up a post to state why I suddenly disappeared. I left without an explanation, let alone a hint that it was about to happen. This is something I’ve stated to many that I would never do willingly. I left many of you in the dark; wondering what happened to me and if I was okay. I am aware that it isn’t exactly expected of me to give a reason, however my personal moral code dictates that it’s the right thing to do. Being honest is something I hold with high regard. In saying that, I let fear and shame hold me back from doing what I knew was right. The fear I had was of possible confrontation, disagreement and hurt among those I know, and the shame of admitting my struggle to keep up with what was once possible for me. Life as a whole felt insurmountable. It felt difficult to state that when I was keenly aware of how my life looked on the surface to others; easy.
Leaving was the last thing I wanted, however it turned out to be the one thing I needed. It gave me a lot of uninterrupted time to discover more about myself than I ever thought possible. I am now thankful for the experience, and am proud of my efforts so far.
But I’m not here to throw a pity party (wouldn’t you know, there’s more of it ahead!), I’m here to fill you in a little. I won’t be stating exact details, however I am happy to extrapolate if you decide to see me. This is only because I wish to have some anonymity online. I don’t show my face as much for this reason. I don’t use social media in my personal life either, only the twitter account for Zoe Adams.
We humans all have our limits. I like to think humans aren’t all too different to computers. Really though, I’m aware that humans are far more complex than computers. I’m also sure that there are better analogies, systems, or words in general to describe what I’m about to however it is what it is. Just let me have fun dammit!
So, both computers and humans cannot recharge efficiently while they are also working at max capacity. I wasn’t exactly inundated with processes, not compared to other machines/humans I know. It was, however small my workload, becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with these tasks.
Let’s say that my Operating System is Linux, but I often have to run Windows through a Virtual Machine. Most people understand the Windows OS, so it makes communication simpler. This usually isn’t such a hard thing to do, especially if I am able to close it when it’s not needed. It can be hard to sometimes shut down certain processes though, especially when the unexpected change of needing to be ‘human’ is a constant fear. Unfortunately my CPU is now failing to keep up, and then-CLUNK! Of course… my fucking fans break! I’m left chugging along until I become too hot to handle, and inevitably crash. I could have Dual Booted instead, but I was much too proud as my CPU never had issues with running a Virtual OS before! If I show that I can no longer do what was once possible, other machines might reject me. In fear of being rejected, I burnt myself to keep others warm.
In more human terms, my brain can be a little less ‘user friendly’ than a typical OS like Windows. I felt that I needed to display Windows so other people could understand me. Based on past experiences, people can find Linux confusing, overwhelming, or downright weird. Not everyone has the time or desire to learn, so they will become frustrated and give up. I didn’t want to cause anyone to feel overwhelmed, so this Windows mask helped make life a little easier. What really sucks is that this process can become quite taxing to keep up, especially when you have other simple processes you need to focus your dwindling energy on!
So what did I mean when I said my fans broke?
Put simply, it turns out that I have an autoimmune condition which flared up very badly last year. This condition caused my bodily processes to speed up resulting in overheating, stress, and ruin on both my mind and body. Some have noticed, and pointed out to me, that I’ve lost a little weight. That’s because this condition made my metabolism a bit too efficient; no matter how much I ate I’d continue to lose weight. Sound’s pretty good to some I’m sure, however there’s always a pay off. I was so weak that I’d maybe leave my house once a week. My body was struggling to absorb nutrients from the food I ate so I’d lost muscle in my arms and legs. At times I was unable to lift my arms, and taking a 5 minute walk would ruin me for the next few days. Standing up would often result in blacking out, I would get double vision often, my resting heart rate was 110-130 bpm, and I had multiple heart palpitations a day. This was scary. I had periods of insomnia, even though I was terribly exhausted. It affected my mind too, as not enough sleep with a body that’s running too quickly can cause a myriad of hormonal imbalances. It was just not a good time at all.
Thankfully, my fans have since started behaving again. I didn’t have to fix them (treat my condition), rather after a jiggle of some cables they magically worked again. This means my condition is now in remission. Computers can really be rather stupid. I have had these flare-ups of extreme fatigue every 3-4 years since my early teens, and every time my body has managed to fight it off. For a long time the testing that was done showed no results, so I assumed everyone felt this way sometimes. Other times, I was told that it was all in my head. Thankfully, I now know that there is a legitimate reason as to why I struggled to function. That I’m not lazy, or crazy! Okay, well, maybe a little crazy… but who isn’t!
It’s very possible my fans may decide to fail me again in the future, and my body may not be capable of overcoming the stress it causes anymore. If that is the case, then I will need to consider treatment. It’s not the most ideal scenario, however that’s not a concern right now. For now, I need to do all I can to keep my stress levels low, avoid foods that cause issues, and love myself for who I am. Thankfully, I can say that I’ve made quite a bit of progress already.
I am really excited to be back; starting up again on my own feels right to me. In the future I’d like to address and old post I made about independent work, and how my views on that has changed. Maybe I should give it some time however, as I can’t go being too presumptuous!
Until next time; whenever or wherever that may be.
Zoe Adams xxx